Bersih 3.0 – The Good And The Ugly

Yesterday tens of thousands of Malaysians braved the searing heat, as we converged into Kuala Lumpur to demand meaningful electoral reforms, at the Bersih 3.0 rally. While the previous rally, held in July last year had a menacing air to it, and violence a certainty. Yesterday’s event was in comparison much more carnival like. There was no palpable tension in the air, and the police seemed happy to just stand and watch.

We started our march from the Central Market LRT station towards Petaling Street, where the police had formed a human wall to block the march. However the interaction between them and the protestors were good-natured, as many posed for pictures with the cops and some even offered them yellow flowers (which they politely refused.)

We marched from various points towards the general direction of Dataran Merdeka, chanting and singing, the atmosphere was great. We finally reached the police barricade in front of the Bar Council building, where we staged a sit in and continued chanting “abang polis, buka pintu,” Malay for ‘brother policeman, open the gates’.

Sometime after 3pm we received word from the organizers, that the rally was over and our point proven. We decided to leave via Central Market, and eventually found out about the fiasco that ensued after we left. From what I understand, the cops got spooked when some protestors breached a barricade and fired tear gas.

What proceeded were a repeat of last year’s violence, a perfectly peaceful demonstration had been marred by unruly elements bent on seeking trouble and in the process delegitimizing the people’s right to assemble peacefully. If there are any real losers, it is the electoral reform agenda and its supporters. Our platform has been based on non-violence, and when people flip police cars in the name of reform, it really is a shot on the movement’s foot.

What irked me most were the chanting of “hancur BN” by some individuals in the crowd. There is a time and place for everything, and this was not the forum for such chanting. Bersih prides itself as being a non-partisan movement of the people, by the people. Being seen to be hijacked or utilised by politicians of any stripe, is counter-productive to its ideals.

On a brighter note, the tens of thousands who thronged KL, are a testament to the big guns at Putrajaya that Malaysians are now unafraid to have their voices heard. It was heart-warming to see entire families attending together, bumping into old friends in the LRT who were also heading for the rally and being part of a huge body of people gathered for a common cause. This  despite the violence that occured during last year’s rally, which saw tear gas being fired into Tung Shin Hospital and police heavy-handedness against the public.

Meaningful and tangible reforms must take place at the soonest, with no strings attached and no caveats placed, failing which future rallies will be inevitable, and an increasingly enthusiastic public who will be quite eager to attend. Years of broken promises have turned Malaysians cynical and not easily fooled. A fearful population can be suppressed, but not an increasingly fearless one.

4 years on…

Four years ago yesterday, I voted for the first time in my life. I looked forward to the day for weeks and I finally drove first thing in the morning with my dad to cast our votes at the polling centre. It was a proud moment, I was now a voter.

We all know what happened that night, the whole country watched in shock and amazement as the opposition stacked up their gains and seized 5 states. This was unprecedented in Malaysian politics; the population had collectively rubbed dirt onto the face and might of the ruling coalition. No one saw this coming, not even the opposition. The unthinkable had happened.

Many Malaysians were euphoric and BN had no idea what hit them, in fact they have not figured that bit out yet. For their own sakes I hope they do. Many of us naively thought that things will get better immediately and the time for change has finally come. One thing we got right was the part about change. For better or for worse, Malaysia has never been the same again after March 8, 2008.

Malaysians are bolder now in demanding what is rightfully theirs, we are a more outspoken lot now. We are no more the all trusting and naïve ‘our government know best’ lot. Slowly but surely we are coming out of a deep freeze and becoming more aware of our rights and what is expected of our government.

The Bersih 2.0 rally last July is a case in point, Malaysians of all stripes and ages came out in the thousands to demand electoral reforms. This was even more remarkable given that the government had deployed the full might of the police and all its resources to quell the march. The rally went on.

Young people are more aware of the latest happenings and they are not afraid to voice out their opinions. Social media has undoubtedly played a role as well, but the bottom line is that the youth are beginning to care. Their presence in droves at Bersih 2.0 proves my point. We are a more assertive lot now and we are not afraid to show it.

Has our political scene become somewhat cleaner? Sadly the answer is NO; it is as filthy as ever. There are the personal attacks and cheap shots, that goes without saying. Unscrupulous politicians shamelessly harp on racist rhetoric to further their personal agendas. Right wing politics is on the rise and worse still our country is still divided as ever, along racial lines.

The Prime Minister the other day pledged to reform the MACC. However he had placed a caveat to this pledge; give him a 2/3rds majority come the next General Elections and he will get it done. Firstly this proves he has no political will to carry out any reform whatsoever. Secondly this shows us; to him power is an entitlement not a duty and responsibility accorded by the people. He does not understand that a mandate has to be earned.

A very close friend of mine has lived overseas for years, one of the countless young Malaysians who left for a foreign university and never came back. He obviously loves the country; it is his country after all as much as it is mine or any other Malaysian’s. However he told me something that troubled me a lot the other day…” there’s no point in me coming back as much as I would love to. I am a non-Muslim and there is no future for me there.” That statement pretty much sums up all that is wrong with Malaysia.

We remain silent…

I can be an ignoramus at times; I didn’t know there was a singer named Erykah Badu. That was until the Star published some photos of her sporting some tattoos that upset Muslim sensibilities. Lo and behold the Star has suspended 2 editors indefinitely for this fiasco. The government has duly banned her concert in Malaysia; Muslim groups nationwide are baying for her scalp.

It’s all very well that everyone’s getting  morally righteous. But I fear this little episode is nothing more than a ploy to distract us all from the larger issues affecting us from day-to-day. We pounce at Miss Badu and we forget our own little troubles.

What gets me riled up is that we Muslims seem to have our priorities totally messed up. We have many things plaguing this country of ours which are obviously haram, yet we choose to ignore them. Last month we made a big hoohah about Valentine’s Day, some people even planning anti Valentine patrols to catch the evil doers. In the end we just made utter fools of ourselves.

We so proudly say our religion is one of tolerance and moderation to anyone who would listen. But our deeds say otherwise. We remain silent when Muslims commit corruption, and use the proceeds to perform the Umrah in the hope of cleansing away their sins.

We remain silent when a Muslim commits incest by raping his daughters or granddaughters. We remain silent when Muslim policemen collect bribes in broad daylight. We remain silent when a Muslim blows up fellow Muslims in Pakistan during Friday prayers, but when the Holy Quran gets burned by Americans we riot for days.

We remain silent when Muslim politicians in this country openly spew the venom of racism into the public domain. We remain silent when the Zakat money we pay as part of our religious obligations is misused and not properly accounted for. We remain silent when we see underage Muslim kids smoking cigarettes openly, but heaven forbid if we see them drinking beer.

We remain silent when we see poor Muslims, but we create a huge ruckus when non-Muslims help them out. We remain silent a Muslim judges fail to mete out justice fairly in our courts. We remain silent at injustices perpetuated by our fellow Muslims against non-Muslims, but we cry foul when non-Muslims commit injustice.

There’s plenty of haram in our society which we have learned to live with and accept. It is about time we started doing some soul-searching within ourselves. Islam is not all about keeping beards, wearing the hijab, not eating pork and abstaining from illicit sex. We keep espousing our fellow brothers to keep their beards long and shiny, but we do not tell them to stop bribing traffic policemen. We do not tell them to stop smoking. Why the hypocrisy?

It’s about time we started addressing the real issues affecting us in our daily lives. The state of our country, corruption, racism, wastage of public funds, crime, dereliction of duty by elected officials and the list goes on. Who bonked who, or who had what tattoo is of no consequence to our daily lives. Our silence is our participation in these great injustices.

Why do I Run?

My closest friend is convinced I have become a raving loony in need of an intervention. My dad says I should walk instead, err isn’t that for old people? I ask. I run for about an hour plus each day, sometimes almost 2 hours daily about 5 or 6 times a week. It keeps me happy and most importantly it is absolute “me” time.

I completed my first full marathon in June last year; I walked funny for a few days after that. If it was 43 KM instead of 42 I would have just collapsed and died I think. I literally ran into the finish line on an empty tank. Still it was totally worth it, the feeling of euphoria and triumph over cramps, sheer heat and exhaustion. One has a feeling that anything is possible once you’ve finished a marathon.

I started of very slowly (in fact too slowly in hindsight) and gradually built up a steady pace. I managed to actually maintain it for about 32Km before finally losing it and slowing down. It was just impossible at that time to continue the initial pace and not hit the wall. My biggest worry was hitting the wall and not completing the race. I had no tactics whatsoever, only to start slow and peak as late as possible. My targeted finish time was anything under 6 hours.

Having run 2 half marathons previously, the first half of the race was easy and uneventful. The following 10 kilometres was also quite comfortable, the trouble starts at the last 10. When you notice your legs are starting to go sore, the heat starts to get the better of you and the body starts acting up.  It sounds cliché I know, but it was the mind and sheer willpower that kept me going. The mind and willpower part though still baffles me; I didn’t know I had such attributes. A one hit wonder perhaps.

Anyhoo that was last year, and we’re now in 2012. 21 days into it in fact, and I have started running with a vengeance. On day 1, it was to burn off all the lamb, desserts and heaven knows what else I consumed the night before. The second day was to keep the momentum going, and kept on going it has.

I’m planning to go for a few marathons this year, last year was to just complete it and prove a point. This year is to beat last years’ time convincingly. For amateurs and novices like me, it is never about winning. I will be very honest with myself; the winner finished a good 3 hours plus ahead of me. I am definitely not Olympic champion material; it is just a personal race against my inner self and the desire to do better than the last race. For now I will be extremely smug if I finished it under 5 hours.

Having said that, I believe anyone can finish a marathon. One just needs to train diligently and consistently. I tell my friends and cousins, if I can finish a 42Km race… any Tom, Dick and Harry can as well. It is not an easy feat, but certainly not an impossible one either.

Call me a whacko, but I am going to continue running and hopefully finish many more marathons with more impressive times. It is not an obsession as many would think; it is just an escape from the dreary and mundane. For an hour plus each day my mind flies all over the place and it makes me feel good. And yeah I forgot, the finisher T-shirt is pretty cool too.

Lets support the right of students to learn Math and Science in English

As many of you may be well aware of, the government has decided to revert back the teaching of Science and Math back into Bahasa Malaysia. It is a controversial decision and many parents are naturally concerned about it and how it will affect their kids. While I may not have kids of my own, I have plenty of school going cousins and a nephew who will be effected by this. I am naturally concerned too.

The education of children and the manner in which it is conducted is not a matter to be messed around with by policy makers for the sake of political mileage. Naturally they should have more sense than just flip-flopping policies every few years to suit the political climate of this country. I am attaching at the bottom of this post a petition by the Parent Action Group for Education Malaysia (PAGE) , to help support students and their parents’ right to decide how their children should be taught in schools. English or Bahasa Malaysia.

If you are against this policy, please take a couple of minutes to fill up the petition. Let us take action even if it is just a small insignificant step in our eyes. Ranting about it in the coffee shop will not bring us anywhere nor will it achieve anything. After all Lau Tzu did say, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Let us all take that proverbial step.

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheet/viewform?formkey=dEd4YzkzQ3puSUROR1V0bVlKUHlyWEE6MQ

Lets save PKNS field

Every kid has fond memories of his or her neighbourhood while growing up. It could be the neighbourhood playground, the neighbourhood kids and lots of other stuff which I can’t possibly mention here in its entirety. These are defining memories which will stay on with an individual forever.

I grew up in Kelana Jaya a suburb of Petaling Jaya, it’s a place I still call home and I am definitely passionate about the state of my neighbourhood. One local landmark which I will forever associate with my childhood is the PKNS Padang right next to the E11 (LDP) and Jalan SS7/20.

It was a joyful place where the neighbourhood kids snuck in to play football, basketball and to also use the playground in the evenings. They had an excellent field (they still do in fact), the field is still in use today and from what I hear the waiting list to book it for matches is pretty long.

We recently found out the field and its sports complex has now been earmarked for redevelopment. This local neighbourhood landmark is now destined to be demolished and replaced with apartment blocks, office complexes and other commercial developments.

Now we appreciate development as long as it benefits everyone and it is for the greater good. In this case I simply fail to see the greater good. It will only serve to ruin the existing neighbourhood and its very social fabric. Kids will not be able to cycle around anymore without fearing heavy traffic. The local youth will be deprived of an excellent sporting facility.

Kelana Jaya is already as it is saturated and congested, it has been over developed. The countless apartment blocks, the LDP and its accompanying ultra-heavy traffic have already spoiled a once idyllic place. Now with this new development, the damage will be further irreversible.

In this day and age where developers are frenziedly building gargantuan apartment blocks and buildings, green spaces are ever more valuable and priceless. They provide a respite from the dreary concrete jungle most of us live in. To deprive us of what little green we have left is just plain cruel.

I am especially saddened as this particular field holds countless childhood memories. Whenever I look at it, the memories come flooding back. Playing football barefooted on the field, getting into fights with the other kids over petty stuff, falling down on the concrete maze and getting 7 stitches and watching the Selangor football team training for the Malaysia Cup (this was a time when local football was still keenly followed by most Malaysians). I still remember South Africa playing Australia in the 1998 Commonwealth Games Gold Medal match for cricket on this very field. Heck I still remember all those Aussie sheilas sunbathing on the field in their bikinis and cheering their team on. All these memories put a smile to my face. Mind you there is nothing much to smile about these days.

As insignificant a field may sound to you these days, it is still a powerful neighbourhood landmark, not only in mine, but in every neighbourhood nationwide. The local field is where kids congregate to play, scheme and get into mischief. It is the way of the world I guess. It will be a tragedy to tear this place down in order to build more condominiums.

I am attaching a link to this post and would appreciate your kind help in signing up for our cause and help us save our field. The place gave me lots of happiness and I hope it stays on for many more years so that others too will experience the same joys as I did.

http://www.petitionbuzz.com/petitions/padangpkns

The Palestinian state and America’s veto

The Palestinian leadership has finally decided to blindside Binyamin Netanyahu and bring their fight to the United Nations by demanding full membership of the UN. To sum it all up they want full recognition of the sovereignty by the UN based on the pre-1967 borders. “It is a moment of truth and my people are waiting to hear the answer of the world. Will it allow Israel to continue its occupation, the only occupation in the world?” He told the UN General Assembly in New York yesterday.

Sadly the answer will be no, not the world saying it but the United States…Israel’s guardian angel and enabler in chief. President Barack Obama had in no uncertain terms that he will scuttle the resolution with a veto. With his re-election due for next November he has to start cuddling up to the AIPAC and Netanyahu who ultimately seems to be pulling the strings.

The Israelis claim that the only way forward to achieve peace is through the negotiating table. Utter nonsense of course, the Israelis have over the years gone into negotiations with no good faith whatsoever. Their tactic has always been to bully the Palestinians into submission while Uncle Sam watches over their back. Uncle Sam in the meanwhile despite all its rhetoric has miserably failed to play the honest arbitrator in this mess.

It is all about the Palestinians not willing to recognize Israel’s right to exist, Netanyahu claims. It is not, the Palestinians have publicly and unequivocally recognized Israel’s right to exist. The main issue here are the settlements Israel continues to build on occupied territory to this very day. Illegal under international law, yet they get away with it.

The settlements, the wall of separation ostensibly to protect Israel proper from infiltration and attacks but in reality a ruse to annexe Palestinian lands in broad daylight. The systematic removal of Palestinians from occupied East Jerusalem under the pretexts of municipal planning laws, the Israelis are systematically scuttling Palestinian hopes for a viable state in the future. These are the acts which have put to death negotiations, not the Palestinians  recognizing its right to exist.

At a time when the majority of the world’s nations are backing the Palestinians in their quest, America is going against global public opinion by vetoing it. There have been countless precedents before this particular episode where the Americans have effectively shut off global public opinion by exercising their veto. And they wonder why there is so much animosity against them in the Muslim world.

The equation is however slowly changing. Israel not only has to contend with countering Iran, it now has Turkey to worry about. Netanyahu’s refusal to apologize over the Mavi Marmara incident which killed 9 Turks has basically made the Turks go ballistic, and rightly so. Reccep Teyip Erdogan, increasingly the only leader in the region with some spine has even threatened to send Turkish Navy escorts to protect humanitarian missions to Gaza. If Erdogan actually carries out his threat, it will be interesting to watch Israel and America’s reaction.

America too has its own worries; a looming double dip recession is just around the corner. The Obama administration will be busy keeping their heads above the water, never mind Israel.

The two state solution is at best an optimistic solution to this conflict, if both parties can agree to each other’s right to exist. Israel cannot expect its right of exist to be recognized when it systematically denies the Palestinians the very same. It is very unlikely it will ever recognize the right of a Palestinian state to exist along the borders of 1967. Its odious manoeuvring through settlements, eviction and that dastardly wall they built are ample proof of their real intentions.

In the meanwhile Palestinians will do what every occupied people in history have done, resist by whatever means. Israel will never be able to exist in peace when it denies the very same to the people whose land they are illegally occupying.

54 years on…

We have finally come to that time of the year again when people begin waving flags from their houses and cars. Yes we will be celebrating 54 years of independence in a few days’ time. We certainly have come a long way since then, gone thru thick and thin, triumphed and faltered and yet we are still here standing.

We have the tallest twin towers in the world, a F1 Circuit, a brand new city called Iskandar, a national football team which we are proud of once again, more elevated expressways, glittery shopping malls. Our very own Asam Laksa trounced Singapore’s Chicken Rice in a recent CNN food poll. We even have a Prime Minister who cares so much about us he texted us all a Happy Father’s Day a few months back. Awesome.

Those are all fine and dandy, but unfortunately not exactly key points in judging the progress of a country. There are larger factors at stake. For starters have we progressed much as a people and how do we ourselves look at our own country?

After 54 years of determining our own destiny, we are more polarised than ever. We still harp on our differences rather than embracing our commonalities. We are still Malay, Chinese and Indian first and then only Malaysian next; which is a shame really.

After 54 years we still have race based politics prevailing in this country, the British colonised the world by divide and rule. Here in Malaysia this age-old tactic is still used and it is supremely effective in keeping the incumbent government in power. Yes we have not had a change in government since independence and the ruling party seems to think it is its entrenched right to hang on to power at any cost.

After 54 years our multiculturalism is a double-edged sword, it is a blessing of sorts and it is an excuse used by the government to stifle dissent. Take the recent Bersih rally for example; the government banned it on the grounds that in a society such as ours it was simply a powder keg waiting to explode. Hogwash I say, the real fear was that 50,000 Malaysians were marching on nationalistic and not racial lines. Divide and conquer failed and this spooked the government big time.

There is a widely used term now and that is the “Malaysian diaspora”, Malaysians who have left for other countries in search of greener pastures simply because they feel unwanted here anymore. The prevailing sentiment of those from the minorities is hopelessness and anxiety on where we are headed. After 54 years equal citizenry is still a contentious issue, many young Malaysians who leave for overseas universities simply never come back.

For some their parents tell them to stay on and for the others it is the promise of a fair go for anyone to succeed. We are losing out our best brains to the likes of Singapore, Australia, the States and the UK.  These are highly skilled people who could contribute loads to this country whom instead leave because they feel unwanted.

A country is truly great when all and sundry who live within it have an equal go at available opportunities, sadly in my own country that is a virtue lacking. So forget about the twin towers and what not, perhaps we have to get our basics right first.

On happier note I would like to wish all my fellow Malaysians a Happy Merdeka Day. Let’s make this country great, we owe it to ourselves. A country is nothing without its people, enough said.

Bloodbath in the Middle East

As we prepare to celebrate Eid in the coming days let us remember the brave people of Syria, Libya and Yemen; who are at this very moment facing up to death and tyranny. In Syria the world watches as Bashar al Assad unleashes the full might of the state to quell dissent including warships and snipers, dastardly means to silence unarmed protesters.

In Libya, Colonel Muamar Gaddafi is on the run and the rebel army from the National Transitional Council (NTC) has marched triumphantly into Tripoli. Now comes the hard part, to get the country running again and moving forward. It is easier said than done. A transition to democracy and the rule of law must be the utmost priority.

Both sides have committed untold atrocities which only now are being slowly revealed to the world. The rebels have a heavy responsibility in ensuring the Libyan revolution stays true to its original ideals. It will be a tragedy if it’s just one tyrant being replaced by another. The NTC too must be held accountable for atrocities they may have committed. Being backed by NATO does not give one the license to kill indiscriminately.

First it was Tunisia, than Egypt and now Libya. Where next is anyone’s guess. Yemen’s President Ali Abdullah Salleh is still stubbornly clinging on to power from Riyadh. It first started as a series of demonstrations in Tunisia demanding  justice for a young man many believe was wronged.

This little uprising has evolved into what is now known as the Arab Spring. Obviously spring has long gone and the year is slowly edging towards the end, perhaps it’s the Arab Year I guess then. 2011, the year the Arabs decided to stand up and demand what is rightfully theirs. It all began when a humble fruit seller burnt himself to death and in the process set alight the entire region.

While the Islamic world is quick to condemn Israeli brutality against the Palestinians, we seem awfully quiet when our fellow Muslims butcher their own countrymen. Why the double standards? Atrocities are atrocities no matter who commits them. We need to take a stand against these regimes and let them know we will not tolerate such behaviour. Our silence is in this matter is our compliance to these atrocities.

Smoking and the Tobacco Industry

It’s Ramadan and many a Muslim will be using this blessed month as an opportunity to quit smoking, including me. They tell you it’s easier to stop during Ramadan and to a certain extent it is. But I think it’s easier to lose weight than to lose the fags. Believe me.

I have been smoking for the past 13 years; I started when I was 15 and started buying packs when I was 17. My habit over the years has varied from 3 or 4 sticks a day to 2 packs a day at one point. For the past couple of years it has been pretty much a pack for 2 or 3 days. I have been trying to quit unsuccessfully for the past year now, but I am unable to stay clean beyond a few weeks. I always crack eventually. Addiction is painful. I am no genius and have throughout my life made numerous bad calls, I am only human. But I will tell you this with a straight face, my stupidest act to date has been to pick up smoking. Its a choice I made when I was younger and I rue the day I took my first puff.

“I will quit the moment it costs me RM 10 a pack” I would tell my friends, I never did when that day finally came. Over the years the Malaysian government made it compulsory for tobacco companies to have graphic warnings on their products (other countries did the same too). Shocking images which initially scarred us, days later we were desensitized.

The tobacco industry through its primary product cigarettes kill about 13,000 people a day in preventable illnesses caused by smoking. It is a bloodbath out there… all sorts of cancer, heart disease and respiratory illnesses. These are not junkies we are talking about, we are talking about productive members of society who contributed to the economy, paid taxes and were sons, daughters, husbands, wives, fathers and mothers to someone out there. Every death has its story and its very own grieving family.

Cigarettes are almost instantly addictive; one can get hooked with just one stick. It is one consumer product I know of which is lethal when used as intended. It has according to the WHO claimed 100 Million lives during the course of the last century. That figure is expected to be significantly higher in the 21^st century.

In Wikipedia it is stated 5.4 million people died of smoking related illnesses in 2004 alone. If you look at things in perspective the Holocaust in Europe during the Second World War claimed 6 Million lives. The figure 100 Million deaths is actually higher than the total death tolls of both the First and Second World Wars put together. The tobacco industry is indeed a mass murderer.

Yet we condone them, in the United States there are 4 tobacco industry lobbyists for every congressman. They fund their own “independent” research which seeks to dispel the lethal effects of smoking or to at least heavily discount them. Big tobacco companies while competing against each other for market shares and brand penetration in reality work hand in hand to ensure survival and keep critics at bay; they  literally are a pack of wolves.

In this modern age there is a strong emphasis on individual freedoms to make choices, and that includes bad choices as well. If these choices were to just affect the individual in question who makes a particular choice, I am all for it. He or she alone will have to face up to whatever consequences which may result out of a choice made. The choice to smoke too is an individual choice.

Unfortunately an individual’s choice to smoke does not affect him alone; it affects the people around him too. The family he shares a home with, diners who sit around him in restaurants, pedestrians who share a pavement and the list goes on and on.

If at all there should be any limit on personal freedoms it should be imposed when public health and safety is at stake. Yes I think it is my right to kill myself if I so choose to, but I do not have a right to drag others down with me. We should work to gradually remove smoking altogether from the public sphere. That includes any place which may be frequented by the public; I am talking about pavements, street corners and building exits and not just restaurants and shopping centres.

The tobacco industry should be further restricted and ultimately made unviable in the long run. This should include tighter restrictions in branding, cigarette display on counters, taxation and tougher licensing obligations. Prices should be made unreasonably high to keep school kids at bay and to decrease its affordability. The industry must be made to pay for the damages it has caused to society over the years. It must be made accountable.

It is our moral obligation to eventually put these merchants of death out of business. It’s akin to stopping mass murder, because that’s what the tobacco industry really is. Smoking is basically an act of slow painful suicide under the delusion of pleasure.